How to handle anger without killing affection

We all know how to! We just “happen” to do the opposite!

No matter how great our relationships are, we’ll still get upset at times and we’ll give our spouse reasons to get frustrated with us.

But when we don’t handle it right it kills any affection instantly. Just “like spraying a beautiful flower with weedkiller“.

We DO need to communicate our hurts (over major things) but we need to do it in a non-challenging, non-threatening way. 

I like to think of the ways little children act when they are upset.


  • React promptly.
  • Are honest and straight forward.
  • Don’t expect you to guess WHY they are upset and they don’t care.
  • In 5 minutes they’ll laugh with you again as if nothing happened.
  • Are teachable.
  • Don’t hold grudges.

Because little children are HUMBLE.

We can’t forgive easily because we think of ourselves higher than the other person. We think we deserve better. But would we want our spouse to behave the exact same way toward us when they are angry?!

So here’s a little reminder list that can help you maintain the love and affection of your spouse even when you need to speak about your feelings.  

Don’t expect your spouse to know WHY you are upset.
Talk about your feelings immediately.
Don’t blame. Just say how it made you feel, or hurt, or why did it upset you.
Refrain from teaching, suggesting the right way or giving yourself as a better example.
Don’t use words like: “You ALWAYS…” and “You NEVER…”.
“How could you…?” might be less provocative than “WHY did you…?”.
Learn to let go and turn the page.

Humbleness is KEY!

I hope you can apply some of these tips right away. They can make a big difference in your marriage!

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